Jokes

Heaven First
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, 
"What part of your body gets to heven first?" 3 students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little 
Johnny in the back. The teacher things to herself, "I dont want to call on 
Johnny cause he will say something perverted." So she picks on Jenny first 
who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be 
smart." The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to 
heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart." Finally Johnny is the only 
one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick 
Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get
to heaven first." The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think 
your feet get to heaven first?" Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and 
Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she 
was sayin "Oh Lord I'm cummin' !"

Ass
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady 
(who has trouble hearing
and her husband who is in the passanger seat). When the trooper asks the 
lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "heh, what did he say?"The 
old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVERSE LICENSE."A few minutes 
later the trooper comes back to the car and says "ma'am I see you're from 
Florida."The old lady comments, "heh, what did he say?"The old man speaks up 
as he says, "HE SEES YOU"RE FROM FLORIDA."The old lady nods her head, "yup."
The trooper then says, "boy, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in 
Florida one time."The old lady speaks up, "heh, what did he say?" The old 
Man yells this time to the old lady, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

Doorbell
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either 
physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So 
she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured 
that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But 
then, one day she heard
the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man 
in a wheel chair who
didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in 
the paper. As you can
see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run 
away from you."The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"And the man 
said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
    He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load
    his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he
    would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
    The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
    which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says,
    "Give it a shot father".
    After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
    to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big
sonofabitch!"
    
    Priest:
    "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
    
    Fisherman:
    (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's
    what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
    
    Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
    
    After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
    spots the Bishop.
    
    Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
    
    Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
    
    Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is
    called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
    
    Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch
    and we could have it for dinner."
    
    So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it
    to the head mother.
    
    Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
    
    Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
    
    Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
    Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
    
    Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
    
    Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and
    they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
    
    Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"    

    Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

    Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" 

    The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze,
    but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You
    know, you motherfuckers are alright."

Monica Lewinsky's lawyer hands a picture of her to Bill Clinton and
says, "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"
Clinton says, "I think I've come across her face a couple of
times."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they 
notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator car.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of
factly," It looks like cum."
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her
nose, and proclaims "Yes, and it smells like cum"
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the
puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our 
building."

How Old Is Mommy?
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking
through the mall together
one-day.
"Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"

"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age
is."

"Why not?" demands the child.

"Well, that is something you will understand one
day when you're grown-up."

"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"

"Never mind." Answers the mother.

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they
weigh. This is something
you will learn and understand someday."

"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why
you and Daddy got divorced?"

"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation,
"that's something still very
painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk
about it now."

A few days later, Little Mary recounts this
conversation to a friend at
school. The friend explains how to overcome these
problems.

"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's
license. It has all the
information about any grown-up you want on it. You
just read it like a report
card and it'll give you anything you need."

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That
night she sneaks into
her mother's room while her Mom was cooking dinner.
She rummages through her
purse and finds the driver's license. After
examining it carefully she walks
up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are!
You are 35!"

The mother is very surprised.

"And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136
pounds, right?"

The mother is shocked.

"And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

The mother dumbfounded asked, "Why?"

"It's because you got an F in sex."